Web Redemption: I Eat Ass – Tosh.0


Officer:
Reason I’m pulling you over
is your derogatory sticker on the back of your truck. How is itnotderogatory? “I eat ass,”
and asks his mom what it means, how’s she gonna
explain that? Okay, let me see
your driver’s license. Mr. Webb, step out of
your vehicle, please. I’m gonna have you take off
one of those letters so that the word — I have four kids. If my
6-year-old was to look at me and be like, “Dad, what does
‘I eat ass’ mean,” okay, I’d be furious. Place your hands
behind your back. For what? Because I gave you the option to
take that off your window, okay? That is a violation of
a Florida state statute, and it is a misdemeanor,
okay? I’d rather suck a D in a Ford
than eat ass in a Chevy. I think that’s how it goes. I blame Pep Boys
for stocking such a racy decal. That fellow dirtbag Floridian
is Dillon, and he eats ass. But it looks like
his real weakness is carbs. With all the humidity,
Florida is the worst state for tonguing
the swampy tootsie hole. When that miniature cop
harassed him, Dillon was brave enough
to stand his brown. The First Amendment
gives you the right to yell, “I eat ass,” even in a crowded
theater that’s on fire. Anilingus used to be for pervs. Now millennials
consider it first base. Sure, it’s a little gross, but
so is putting ketchup on eggs. Do I eat ass?
I don’t kiss and smell. Just make sure that
stinky starfish is clean, or you’ll end up looking like
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at a costume party. Jail hardly seems
like a punishment for a guy
that likes to butt-munch. But when Dillon got arrested, instead of wasting
his one phone call on a lawyer, he was smart enough to tweet me. That’s why I flew him to D.C. —
a town full of buttholes — and agreed to represent
that ass clown before the highest court
in the land in this week’s Web Redemption. [ Applause ] ♪♪ Oh, Dillon! Hey, man.
How’s it going? Great. Little underdressed for
the Supreme Court, ain’t ya? Underdressed?
I had to wait in line three days with a bunch of Asian kids
for this Supreme gear. I look cool as shit. Hey, man, thanks
for taking my case. You’re welcome.
Saw your tweet.
Doing this pro bono. I learned that word
from Mr. John Grisham. [ Siren wailing ] [ Electronic dance music
playing ] Ohh! ♪ Oyez, oyez, oyez! ♪ Whoo! And now, introducing
your Supreme Court justices! [ Air horn blowing ] Whoo! Oh! Ugh! What’d you get? Ohh! Aww, I got Breyer. Throw it back! [Bleep] Dillon. Hey, how’s it going? Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. Where are you from? Lake City, Florida. What’s Lake City like? When you think
of the South, that’s what you think of. Oh. Lifted trucks everywhere… Uh-huh. …chewing tobacco, and nothing
but fields everywhere. Is this the most “Florida”
moment of your life? It is. Place your hands
behind your back. Because I gave you the option to
take that off your window, okay? That is a violation of
a Florida state statute, and it is a misdemeanor,
okay? It’s always funny when
Florida news comes out. It’s always
cringe-worthy. But I think you were on
the right side of it. Yeah. You did us proud. Was “I eat ass” the only sticker
you considered? Or were there
other contenders? I got mine made
at the local shop — the one that we happened to pull
into when I got pulled over. That is a coincidence,
that you were pulled over in the same spot. How long was that sticker
on your car before you were
pulled over? I got it Wednesday, and then
that Sunday, I got pulled over. Hey, you got pulled over
on the Sabbath. You can’t eat ass
on the Sabbath. I try not to. There are far more offensive
stickers out there than “I eat ass” that are all
completely legal. “I fist ass.” “My child eats
your honor student’s ass.” “I’ll shit
on your chest.” “I chug jizz.” “My other ride
is your mom’s [bleep].” “Blue lives
don’t matter.” “Black lives
greater than blue lives greater than
or equal to women.” I don’t even find this one
offensive. “Guns don’t kill people —
cops do.” “9/11 was a lie.” “Screw veterans.” “Dead people
can’t say no.” I actually might
want that one. “You can pry my gun from
my kid’s cold, dead hands.” “There’s definitely
not child pornography on my work computer.” Oh, that’s good. You just put that sticker
on your buddy’s car and let the fun begin. “Everyone you love
will eventually die.” Now,that’sa harder sticker
to explain to a child. Well, it’s not as hard
as explaining why you bigots
in our nation’s capital still drive around with racist
Indian chief stickers on your cars. Did you go to jail? Yeah. How much ass
did you eat there? None. Do you have
a girlfriend? I do. Had you eaten ass
a lot before? Not really, but I was like,
“You know what? If this works, I’m-a try it.”
And it works. Officer:
Reason I’m pulling you over
is your derogatory sticker on the back of your truck. How is itnotderogatory? Now, when you
got pulled over, you seemed so calm,
cool, and collected. How did you know that you
weren’t gonna be shot
and killed? I was white. [ Snoring ] Hey, Sotomayor,
wake up Ginsburg. [ Snores,
clears throat ] Do you think that cop has ever
had someone eat his ass? Probably his boss,
afterwards. You think
he got in trouble? I think so. Did he do
something wrong? He put a man in jail for
his First Amendment rights. Why is he so worried about
explaining it to kids? We get it — you’ve had sex,
you [bleep] tiny, little man. Officer:
I have four kids. If my 6-year-old was to
look at me and be like, “Dad, what does ‘I eat ass’
mean,” okay, I’d be furious. That’s what I don’t understand,
’cause I’ve been at my local
Walmart and heard worse. And did you leave it on? It stayed on until
I gave the truck back. It wasn’t even your truck? I was doing a 30-day hold
with the car dealership. It sucks you don’t have
the truck anymore. More importantly, it sucks
you don’t have that sticker. But anybody can get
an ‘I eat ass” sticker. Anybody. But now, thanks to my connection
at the DMV, only you will have the official
“I eat ass” license plate. Now, what did I have to do
to get this? I’m not gonna tell you. What’d you do? I ate her ass. How many times?
Not gonna tell you that. Twice. I appreciate it. How would you explain this
to a kid? Iranian ski goggles —
you familiar with that one? That’s when you set your balls
over your partner’s eyes. What about, uh,
the Chattanooga Push Pop? That’s when you put
the dick and balls — all of them —
in the butthole. You know, in the caboose.
The Chattanooga Push Pop. I’m curious how you would
explain this to a 10-year-old. I brought in
my 10-year-old daughter, if it pleases the court. I know it pleases Kavanaugh. Dillon,
explain your sticker. When two people love each other
very much, they tend to show it by kissing
each other on the lips. Sometimes when they really
love each other, they tend to kiss
the smelly parts, too. Perfectly normal.
It’s okay. Did you understand that,
sweetie? Yeah. Whatever floats your boat,
as long as it’s consensual. Can I [bleep] go now? Little angel.
Just like her mother. Your Honors… [ “America the Beautiful”
plays ] …my client is honest
and unashamed that he eats ass. Mmm! That doesn’t make him
a criminal. Mm, no. It makes him an adventurous
and generous lover. Mr. Tosh, you present
a compelling argument. However,
none of this matters, as the arresting officer
failed to appear in court today. Case is dismissed. Loophole! Loophole! Celebrate! Celebrate! Do you need your parking
validated? All that talk of ass-eating
probably got you guys hungry, but I’d be remiss
if I didn’t point out the numerous
associated health risks, like dysentery, HPV, herpes,
pinkeye, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and all of the hepatitises.

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