The Trail to Oregon!

The Trail to Oregon!

Good mornin’! Good mornin’! We stand before the journey that leads us all to Oregon! To Oregon! A pioneer adventure, down the trail To Oregon! To Wisconsin! Grandpa? What? My legs hurt By God’s command we dare to land in – in Wisconsin! We’re going to Oregon, Grandpa I wanna go to Wisconsin [People in audience that are ostensibly from Wisconsin cheer] The promised land will not wait for us we leave our home with faith and trust we’ll find the place of our destiny! and spread our family seed We’ll find the place of our destiny and spread our family seed. Now the show begins Hey there pioneers! Did you know in the 1840’s, folks of all kinds left their homes in the east to travel down the trail to Oregon? Yep! Whether they were carpenters bankers or heck, even farmers! All three kinds of people. Yep, it was America’s original cross-country road-trip. And today, pioneers, you’ve caught the Oregon fever. And now it’s time to name your family and take them down the trail. You excited? I’m excited. You excited? You look excited. Now our journey begins in the 1800’s in a little city in Missouri Before we start you decide on the names of all the people in your wagon party. You must decide who these pioneers are are they carpenters or bankers or leaving their farm? It’s time to spin a personal yarn. Carefully choose each name ’cause this is more than a game. It’s more than a game oh yes it’s more than a game no two shows will ever be the same. My first pioneer would be President Polk I know he’d be a good leader of the wagon Good job now dear thats we’re going for you’d be extra careful not to kill him. I think I would use my Mom and Dad’s name of course so I’ll make sure they’ll never get divorced. That might be too much information but hey! It’s great to have that personal connection I would make my family rich! They’d be bankers from New York Richie, Johnny, Emily, and Peter and Sue their bank fell down now their poor! That’s great, kids! Keep up the good work Hey grandpa, what would your names be? Oh, well let me tell ya: Dicksuck, Dick-face, Hairy-Tit, and Dr. Buttnugget. Heh heh ain’t that a good one… Grandpa? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What? They’re names. Hairy-Tit? Grandpa you’re setting a bad example for our pioneers here. You’re going to make them think it’s a good idea to name their wagon parties stupid things. Well they should it’d be REAL funny. We are gone to Oregon It’s the greatest family vacation! It’ll bring us together couldn’t think of nothing better Heck! Time for some family fun. On the trail to Oregon. Alright pioneers, what do you say? What would you like to name me, your wagon leader? [audience starts shouting names] What did you say??? [happy sigh] Jack Bauer I’m Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois all my skills will be useless on the trail. My beautiful family is counting on me a lot of pressure, I can’t afford to fail! Alright, now we need to name Jack Bauer’s beloved and beautiful wife, the wagon mother. What would you like to name her? [audience shouts different names] Slippery…Slippery When Wet! I’ll take it! Slippery When Wet, and I’m a mother of two could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do. Why did you get to choose? Well honey, I don’t know if you know this about me, but…I wrote the show. Just how this one goes. K, well we’re not gonna get very far as a bunch of fuckin’ farmers. All right! Well no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngin’s, the eldest of which is Jack Bauer and Slippery When Wet’s teenage daughter. What would you like to name her? [Audience members shout different names] I heard…Mouthface? I’ll take it. And what about our all-american son with a face like apple-pie? [Audience members shouting more names] Ah, I think I heard Craphole. Alright! Ok, so wait, does that mean that I’m Mouthface – -no I’m Mouthface and you’re Craphole Oh right. Okay. Craaaaphoollle, yeah that’s me! I’m seven and I’m male. Mouuutthfaacccee is what my friends call me I’m looking for love on the trail. Gross! I hope you’re bit by a snake! I hope you break your back! Hey I found wild fruit. Pay attention, Dad. Are we gonna stop at the forts? I forgot to shave. Did we bring enough food? We could ride on grandpa’s grave -what? Everyone just behave because it’s only a game. It’s only a game, I guess it’s only a game The Trail to Oregon is nothing but a game We’ll be there soon, in Oreg-oon. Honestly it beats milking cow tits We could be in a kitchen doing something with a chicken but we couldn’t give less of a crap ’cause we’re making it to Oreg-ap! Alright pioneers, lets get a move on. Wait a minute you shickenkit son of a bitch. You forgot MY name. How could I forget. What would you like to name our lovely Grandpa? [Lots of yelling from the audience] He doesn’t hear so good, we need to do this one at a time Whuwuzza? What was that? Tittymitty? How do you feel about that Grandpa? I like that name. You made him happy. It’s time to run to Oregon It’s too late to change the show now. You could go next door and see something professional We wouldn’t blame you a bit, you’ll be sitting through this Ore-shit. We’re Broadway bound in Oreg-ound cause there’s no Broadway in Chicago. Who will forget their name? And who will get the YouTube fame? These are questions to ask when you’re playing Oreg-aaask It’s more than a game! Life is really great! On the Trail to Oreg-ate! Alright gather round, family meeting time Tittymitty Slippery When Wet Mouthface and uh, what the hell is your name? Craphole. Craphole. Had a senior moment. It’s a family name, come on. Today is a momentous day, isn’t it. July 26th, 1848. The day we begin our journey to a new life a better life, in Oregon – the greatest place on earth. I’m talkin about the Willamette Valley, where the crops grow themselves and the cows are just overflowing with milk. Just gotta be there to catch some of it squirtin’ at ya. Eww. I tell ya, this trip’s gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us. That’s why we’re going down the trail. Yes. And we also have no choice because our farm burned down. Yes honey! Our farm burned down, hence we are here. But you know what kids? Sometimes things just happen and sometimes God is a vicious, two-faced prick. Oh! So this is God’s fault! God accidentally knocked that lantern over into that stack of dry hay? Maybe God should learn to pay attention. God can’t pay attention to absolutely everything, Honey He’s not omniscient. That’s why kids we have to learn to forgive God Despite the situations He’s put us in. The FUN situation that will lead us to a better life. When God burns down a farm He opens up a window I always say. His way is a mysterious one. We should just love Him. Because we’re stuck with Him. I like to think you choose to be stuck with Him. For the time being. Fair enough. Right kids, what’d you take away from all this? God’s a prick. You two are fighting. Why would you say that? Oh no no no. Craphole, Mouthface. Now your father is right. We’re gonna have a darned good time. I want you to think of this trip as a big vacation. Now ain’t that exciting? Are we gonna go skinny dipping?? Why would we do that? I don’t know. Okay. Well, we’re gonna make it down this trail and we’re gonna do it as a fully-clothed family. That’s right get excited everyone. Because here we are in the place where our great trek begins. Where’s that, Dad? You’re in Independence! Welcome to the city so pleasing that everyone’s leaving fuck it, go west. Watch your backs the city is bustling with all kinds of hustling and grit. Go west for independence. There are just a few things you should know: Stay on the trail or you might get lost, don’t pay the toll not worth the cost, marry rich so you don’t die poor, a banker’s best but you might die bored – and independent! Take a gander kids! Independence, Missouri. You know hundreds of families pass through this town every year, all of them headed down the trail just like us! Hi! I’ve got Dysentery! You will too unless you stop to rest frequently. My wife and kids all died. But if I pull through, I’ll travel at a st-st-steady pace from now on. What’s dysentery, dad? Nothing we’ll ever have to worry about, son. Woah! Watch yourself partner. Hey don’t push your ox too hard. Drive it too fast and you’ll end up with lame-footed animals. Then you’ll have to kill them. I don’t ever want to kill an animal, Dad. You won’t have to, son. Did you know that the first stop on the trail Fort Kearney was built by the U.S. Army to protect those bound for Oregon? I did know that! Ah, thanks for the advice and facts. See kids? not only is the trail to Oregon fun…it’s also fun, and edumacational. There’s lots to learn which kid is your favorite? Not all of them make it, of course sinkholes. A nine-month dirge every marriage is tested thank God they invented divorce trending. In Independence. Here’s a piece of free advice for you: before you go the general store has all you need and plenty more – for your I-N-D-E-pendence. I guess we should go to the general store, huh? -ding ding- Hey howzit goin welcome to the general store SO, you’re headed down the trail to oregon huh? I can fix you up with what you need. I got food, clothes, we even got a sale on wagon tongues whatever the hell those are! Actually sir, we’re doing this trip on a budget We’re poor! Our farm burned down. God did it to us, damn Him to hell. We’re farmers you see, which means we don’t need things like food. We can live off the land. All we’re looking for is the bare essentials: Boxes and boxes of bullets. and you know, maybe a wagon. No food!? Okay well suit yourself if you wanna end up like the Donner party. The Donner party? you hear that, gang? They knew how to have a good time. We’re gonna be just like them. You know, there are other general store owners that might try to sheist a newbie like you with some fast talking to turn a quick buck but I like you, so let me tell you what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna give you one wagon for the price of two, not a penny less! and for an extra fifty bucks, I’m gonna throw in an Ox…for free! Free Ox! Oh boy! Yep! We’re all friends theres no war a-brewing no one’s abusing their rights to own an Ox like me! You’ll need a full yoke Their love and care is no joke it’s a job, on your love they’re dependent. I pride myself on being a very good ox owner, our love, well, it’s perfectly normal. MOOOOO Here are just a few rules to live by: for your inde – smack uhhuh. Don’t say sorry to your Indian guide they’re not prepared for genocide you might die of cholera and you might die of pain but that’s okay cause you’ll probably get laid by your mom and dad and little kids too cause you all have the same bedroom use your kids as tourniquettes they won’t help when your bit by a bear or a snake mother nature’s really great! when you’re out there on the Oregon Trail feels like you are going to fail but don’t give up too soon the world is your saloon! Um Mom, I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill but do you ever get the idea that, well, maybe this trip isn’t going to be as fun or “edumacational” as Dad says? I don’t know, and maybe it’ll be horribly dangerous? Oh Mouthface, you can’t think like that. Now we gotta keep our chins up! But what if this trip kills one of us? Like you? Or Dad? Or Grandpa? Oh well if Grandpa dies that’s just God’s will. Sorry Grandpa. Oh that’s okay, when you gotta go, you gotta go. You’re talking about the shitter, right? Trust me kids: there’s a place for us in a house out west. It’s Oregon or bust, to save the family crest. Thats the promise of the valley leave all this behind Lord have mercy on my soul as I try to lead the blind. Chin up kids, your family’s united. I guess I’m excited. Oh I’m so excited I pooped myself. Let’s go where the gold-rush is soaring let’s go exploring our Independence! Be prepared to take your life with an arrow or a hunting knife, stop and see Fort Laramie theres nothing to see but you’ll have to pee, do you understand ’cause you look confused take a look-see they’ve mountain views stay away from old man Pridger when he’s drunk he’ll take your liver life is not a petting zoo or you’ll get ripped in two… by a bear or a snake mother nature’s really great staying alive can be lots of fun be sure you have a loaded gun. Something will go wrong! The list is far too long! declare your independence… declare your independence… declare your independence… declare your I I-N I-N-D-E I-N-D-E-P- I-N-D-E-P-E- I-N-D-E-P-E-N I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D ENCE! Diphtheria, leukemia, (and) onomatopoeia it’s all the same ’cause it gives you diarrhea. Runaway thieves are on the lam leave them all to Uncle Sam Don’t stress take a breath it might just be your last. It’s so hot up here. Friends don’t let friends ford the river. Take a ferry! For your I-N-D-E-pendence time to hit the road! My my my… What a sweet little number. And I guess the song was alright too! Hyuh Hyuh Hyuh Hyuh Hyuh!!! Oh my! Howdy stranger. Aint you forward. Well hello ma’am, forgive me, I just noticed you from across the square and I just had to let you know that you are mighty pretty. If I do say so myself and I do… say so myself. And um, who do I have to uh, thank for the complement? Well, the name’s McDoon, and I make the ladies (kiss) McSwoon. You are a poet. And I’m charmed. So you’re headed down the trail, huh? Gotta be careful. A good looking girl like yourself. A lot of disreputable characters out there…like that mysterious outlaw….The Bandit King! He sounds bad! If I saw him…I’d scream. Huhuhuhuh Yup! I mean, no one really knows who he is, but he’s out there… stealing kisses. And all sorts of other shit! His only companion is the infamous Cletus Jones. That’s my name! Shhhhhh! McDoon don’t you shush me! Not after I got you all your supplies: ether, firearms, bandit masks – Shut- shut- shut your mouth, Cletus SHUT your mouth Ahem, gentlemen, I’d better get going my mama says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers Oh well, maybe it’s time you start living a little more dangerously…. What in the hell is going on here? Mama! Woah hello ma’am, you ain’t got nothing to worry about I was just making sexual advances on your daughter is all. It was perfectly consensual too, she gives me butterflies down in my penis area you know what I mean? And my name’s Cletus Jones. I’ve killed three people. SHUT. UP. CLETUS. Listen now I don’t care who you are but my daughter has got nothing to say to the likes of you. Oh look – Mama you’re embarrassing me! Look my intentions are pure. Yeah, he just wants a dickin’. CLETUS! I know that, you know that THEY don’t know that, HELP A GUY OUT. Heyyyyy Now now, I’m just a simple mountain man, alright. I make my livin’ fur-trappin and tradin’ and you all seem like pretty nice folks but no offense, dumb as shit when it comes to the trail. Now I might be willing to…help you along your way for a nominal fee, of course. What do you want, you Godless bastard? I wanna make your daughter my bride, alright alright!! She’s a child. Well, my child bride! Okay pleaseandthankyou! Sir! Let me be perfectly clear. Mouthface, cover your ears. What? Oh, dammit! Now, you see that girl right there? I made her out of my blood and my flesh, my sweat and my tears. And I love her more than the waking world. But I will smother her in her sleep before I see her ruin herself with some THING like you. So you better just run along now cause you’d have better luck sticking your pecker in a cactus. Alright Mouthface, mama’s done. Come on, now. Hehe, well. I tried to be friendly-like. But now it’s WAR between us. I swear, one way or another, I’m gonna HAVE that daughter of yours. You better keep one eye open, cause you just made an enemy of: The Bandit King. Come on Cletus – saddl e up. Hya! Oh my God! I can’t believe it! Mr. McDoon was the Bandit King the whole time! What a rogue. What is the matter with you girl? Were you just encouraging that wild man’s advances? Yes I was until you came along and interrupted! Why can’t you be more like your brother? Lord knows he’s small and weak for his age but at least he’s got some sense in his brain. Thank you mom! …What is in your mouth? Nothing… You lying fiend, spit that out. C’mon. Is that a dead bird? Where did you get this? Oh, uh, I don’t know. Did you open your mouth and catch it out the air? Ah, well I saw it on the ground and then, um I don’t know. Okay. Okay, listen if this trip doesn’t kill you two you’re gonna kill each other with your own stupid ideas. No, their father is gonna kill them with HIS stupid ideas. You should have left him years ago. Oh, Dad… You could have married that banker from Boston, or that carpenter from Ohio. But I did not love that banker and I did not love that carpenter. I loved the third kind of a person – a farmer. What’s the devil carry? A pitchfork, I know. And who else carries pitchforks? Farmers. I rest my case, farmers are the devil. And what’d you do you went and gave that idiot all the money and left him alone in the general store. You know he’s easily taken in by salesmen. Now listen Dad, Jack Bauer has promised me he won’t do anything else to endanger this family and in spite of everything, I believe him. Toot toot, gang! The family fun train is pulling into the station. Everyone say hello to your new wagon! The Wago-9000. Wago-9000? It’s a hunk of junk! What did I tell you? What are you crazy? “You’re headed down the trail to Oregon, this is the wagon for you!” That’s what the general store guy said! Okay, well uh, frankly dear I’m a little bit worried here because these wheels, they’re not circles. That’s right honey! They’re octagons. That means 8 sides for 8 times the traction! I think it’s a great wagon Dad! Look at me! OW! I broke my ankle! There’s a hole in the wagon, dad. Its not a hole, Craphole. It’s called a “floor window” It’s very expensive- and you didn’t break your ankle. Yes I did. Don’t tell your mother. See not only does the floor window give you the best view of the trail itself, but you can also Help me out here put your own feet down and help the ox pull the wagon along! Which reminds me! Everyone say hello to the new family ox. [tortured moan/roar] [screams] Oh he’s perfectly harmless. Come on touch him. He likes to be touched. Touch him, cmon! What’s wrong with him? This ox doesn’t have any teeth. Or eyes. That’s right honey! That way he can’t eat us or watch us undress. We do have a young daughter to think of! Now don’t get any ideas you horny ox. Everyone: Ew! Ox: Please kill me You got us a blind ox? Think of him like a seeing eye dog, honey! Haven’t you ever heard the saying the blind leading the blind? That’s what this trip is all about: remembering old sayings. Oh Ew! He’s slimy. Is his skin supposed to peel off like this? Ah he’s a perfectly fine ox. The only disadvantage is that we have to chew up his food and spit it into the hole where his mouth used to be. Oh Jesus Christ – -let me finish! The upside is all he eats is grass. Which is free. I’d chew some grass – I’m starving! Thats the spirit! We’ll all take turns. Someone will always be on grass duty. Thats what this trip is all about: chewing grass. It’s like what everyone in town keeps saying: “Once you set off on that trail to Oregon, it’s all downhill from here.” I hope they mean that literally, because these octagon wheels do not roll themselves. Alright everybody, put your hand in. Even you ya horny ox, get your hand in here. [pained scream as his malformed hand extends] …Why does he have a hand? All the better to huddle with, honey! Alright on three. What’s this trip all about? One, two, three! Slippery When Wet: Dying. Mouthface: Eating grass. Craphole: Skinny dipping! Ox: I’M A MONSTER! I thought I heard havin’ fun? Alright everybody carefully hop on the wagon and let’s hit the open road. Look out Oregon cause here come the – I’m lookin’ for a last name: [audience member: Dikrats] The Dikrats. Hya! (Thunk) What was that? I think something broke. (Thunk, thunk, thunk) Okay that was three sounds. I think three things broke. It’s supposed to sound like that. We’re traveling down a bumpy road. Just relaxin’, let the miles unfold. Nothing brings the fam together like some dust in the eye, and we’ll be there in the nick of time, me and my family. Are we there yet? No, we are not there, we just left. We’re smilin’, at a steady pace. Your daughter’s crying… Missouri’s such a beautiful state. And it feels like every day’s another 4th of July. I got my freedom and my slice of pie, my beautiful family! Come on, kids, it’s time that we play a game. I spy some fun here on the great plains! Stop for a sec and take it all in. ‘Are we there yet?’ is the wrong question. You thought road trips were lame, but they all ain’t the same. It’s the grind! Take it one day at a time, and we’ll find our way back home. Free your mind, push your worries down the line, and we’ll ease on down the road! Yes, Sir! Stop and look around, do the ‘Chimney Rock!’ Dad that totally looks like a giant… Cockadoodledoo!!! I wish there’s something that could catch this moment, something that fits right in your pocket. We got time to kick the idea around. It’s the grind! Every bump by design, to grow some hair on your chest. Fall in line! Let your dad read the signs! “Who’s-Your -Daddy” Tour-Guide Company of the wild wild west! I’m trying, to enjoy the trip. I’m baby sitting, but not my kids! Sometimes I wonder what the hell goes on in his head! Would he notice if anyone of us wound up dead?! Who’m I kidding? Lord knows he’ll kill himself instead… Can’t say i’d tell a difference in bed. My beautiful family… Dad I wanna keep this as a pet! Throw it back. Do that and you will regret it. We need a few souvenirs to prove we passed the test. Mom, I think I’m gonna throw up… If you’re motion sick, then get off the pot, and give the soles of your feet a shot! Nothing quite cures your ills like a song and dance! It’s the grind! Family dance break. Everyone say ‘yeah!’ Yeah! Say yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah Say yeaeeayeah yeaeahyeah! Say YEAAEEAHHAhAHAHHH Dad! Is this your appendix? Cause boom! It’s the GRIND! Ox: Cricket. Cricket Cricket. Ox: Cock-a-doodle-doo! Ox: Hoot Hoot. Ox: COCK A DOODLE DOO!! Damn this is boring. What are you talking about? It’s exciting! We’re going places. *crack* Oh crimeny, I think the axle broke again. Everybody off. So, this is the tenth time this wagon has broken on us. Well, I’m about to fix it honey. What else do you want from me? I want you to admit you got duped into buying a lemon. It’s not a lemon, honey. It’s a tough trail. You think covered wagons were designed to withstand these sorts of conditions? No, I don’t think anyone designed this wagon. I think a drunken crazy person got high and threw it together in an afternoon. If it weren’t for these octagon wheels we’d be rolling all over the place not able to stop. You know there’s such a thing as going too fast. And there is such thing as going too slow. Do you know how long we’ve been on this trail, Jack Bauer? Three months! And we’re not even halfway there. If we don’t hurry, we’re gonna run into winter. I know. I know. But what do you want from me, honey? I can’t control when the wagon breaks. They’re just tiny little acts of God. Oh! My good friend God is at it again, is He? Well, if God keeps goofing up like this I’m going to murder God, and I’m gonna chop Him up into tiny little pieces, and I’m gonna feed Him to my starving children. We are starving, by the way. Mom! Dad! The ox is trying to eat me. Cut it out, ya horny ox! Oh he’s just hungry like all of us. Just go get some of that grass chew it up and spit it into his…hole. You silly horny ox! We’re out of grass Oh well that’s impossible. We left Fort Laramie with fifty mason jars of the stuff! I don’t think we should be feeding that ox any of that grass. Cause it’s been making me real sick when I eat it. Oops. You ate all of our grass reserves? I don’t know You just said that you did, why would you do that? I don’t know! You better stop saying you don’t know! Mom I’m serious! Don’t look too deep here for a reason why I do anything, cause I don’t know. I mean, asking me, a seven year old child, why I ate all that grass? It’s like asking me why I why I throw the supplies off the back of the wagon when I’m bored. Is it to watch how stuff bounces? I mean I can’t say for sure because I don’t know. but you know, I’m a kid. I basically know nothing. I’m experiencing a lot of things for the first time and I have to figure them out through trial and error… and putting them in my mouth. Good Lord, what else have you eaten? I’ve literally eaten everything that I’ve come across. When I interact with a new object, I’m gonna look at it for a little bit.. I’m gonna reach out and poke it, see if it moves around. I pick it up. Wiggle it back and forth. And then that thing goes all the way in my mouth. And if that thing doesn’t try to get out of my mouth, it’s going down the hatch. If you ask me it’s a pretty good way to do things. The other day I put a scorpion in my mouth, that guy jumped right out. He knew the rules, he played the game. I respect him for that. Maybe that grass should have done the same. Good Lord. Not only was that grass for the ox, but we had to eat it too while we were crossing the desert! Now what are we gonna do? God guys, I don’t know! I mean, maybe we should just… take off all our clothes, and find a lake and jump in it. Oh that is so stupid. You are gonna go get us more food, young man. You are going hunting. Uh, okay… Uh, just explain to me what that is, though. Just start from the beginning. Assume I know nothing. Here. Figure it out. Uh. Okay. NO! NO! NO! OHMYGOD!! Ohhhmygod. [audience cheers and applauds] Grandpa. You take these two idiot children hunting and don’t come back till you’ve got something to eat. What? Why do I have to go?? I don’t know! Well alright. Come on, kids. Your old Grandpa is gonna teach you to kill some stuff. Alright, here we go. Alright, here you are kids. Gimme! Mouthface! Be a lady! Craphole it’s my turn! I’m older! Now now now. Whoever wants to kill the most should go first. I do, Grandpa. I’ve got bloodlust. Well, there you go. You heard her Craphole. Hand the gun on over to your sister. Thank you. Look at me. I’m a girl with a gun. I’m out for blood! Mouthface! There! It’s a rabbit! Get it! Shoot it! DIE BUNNY! *BANG* Oh man. I missed. Now that’s what I call fast food. Oh, there’s another one! Hey don’t you know I’m higher than you on the pecking order?! *BANG* OHHHHHH. You shot me. That means your turn’s over. Oops…Sorry… Now hand the gun on over to your brother. Yes! Haha! Oh no wait- I forgot I love animals. No, I don’t think I could kill an animal, Grandpa… Oh God Craphole, it’s kill or be killed. I tell ya I never hesitated during the war of 1812. I killed so many God damn lobsters. …what? Don’t you mean Lobster-backs, Grandpa? Like the Red-coats? No. I’m talkin’ bout my own personal war against lobsters. They’ll never show their weird lookin faces on land here again. I banished them to the sea! And the whole world was grateful! That’s how I got my face on the million-dollar bill. What? Mama says there ain’t no such thing as a million-dollar bill. Well, not anymore, THE LOBSTERS TOOK IT! Okay… Now hurry up and kill something, Grandpa’s hungry. C’mon. Oh come on, quit pouting. You couldn’t even shoot them if you tried, those critters are too fast. Okay good. Buffalo: alright! Here I go. Just a big old buffalo walking across an open field. Things’ll be great once we make it to Oregon. If you don’t get us killed first! Come now, wife. Have I steered us wrong before? Keep up, son! I’m coming! I just learned to walk and my legs are still shaky. I’m brand new! Shoot the baby. Shoot the baby! Kill ’em! He ain’t goin nowhere with them shaky legs. But… they’re talking to me. No, they aren’t! That’s crazy! Look, honey. Human-folk! Now, don’t frighten them. Mama, Papa, please wait up for me. I’m just a few days old and walking is still new and exciting for me! Oops, I slipped. Get ‘im! Kill ‘im while he’s weak! He slipped! Whatchu waiting for, boy? No no! I can’t shoot them, they’re a family. And can’t anyone else hear them talking? Am I going mad? Alright, alright, alright Craphole, listen. I know it’s hard for you to make your first kill, but let me give you a little piece of advice that Martin Van Buren gave me when we was both butt-naked in Samson’s Creek. When you’re growin’ up as a youngin’ buck, And the daddy yak shows you how to cluck, And you’re taught one day that the clucking comes to an end, whoa~! It’s a glass half full of scotch approach That the mommy cub teaches her goats. If you live or you’re shot in the head, it all depends… Sometim es it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! And when you wake up with mud on your dick [audience laughs] And you don’t even know where it came from… Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t. There are stories told, of man’s fall from grace. He rapes the land, just so he can… ate. But stories suck, so fuck ‘em right in the face! And even if you put on weight, just poop it out and fill your plate Cause the older you get the more you hibernate Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! And when you wake up with mud on your dick [audience laughs] And you don’t even know where it came from… Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t. Now get ’em over there! -Get em really good! Go on, shoot ’em- right there! Don’t shoot us. Don’t shoot us, please! Don’t shoot us. Don’t shoot us, Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaasee! Oh God… if you’re up there, please let me miss. *BANG* MAMA!!! Honey? Honey! Oh, God! Please! God, no! I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! *BANG* What am I doing? PAPA!! Oh no. I better get outta here. If only I could get my shaky legs to run for the first time… Oops, I slipped! Now listen brother, you don’t wanna do this. I just lost my mom and dad for dick. Deep down I know there’s a heart inside that head. Woah~ [audience awws, Craphole whimpers] And if you’re really that God damn “hungy”, Just eat my “pawents” “wight” in “fwont” of me… [audience laughs, Craphole whimpers again] And I’ll raise my buffalo friends to seek revenge! Everybody! Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t! But when you wake up with mud on your dick and you don’t even know where it came from… Oh god…[crying] Just do it, motherfu- *BANG* [audience laughs, Craphole sobs] Grandpa and Mouthface cackle] Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes DON’T!!! Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t. Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes don’t. You wake up with mud on your dick, In a pool of your vomit, Picking turds off your ass, Your whole breakfast is grass, You got mud on your shoes, Holy hell, they’re fucking hooves, Your hind legs are sore, Yeah, that’s right you got four, And you don’t even know her damn name! Sing it, Grandpa! Yeah! [audience laughs] Well good shootin’ there Craphole. Looks like you got about 2000 pounds here, and between the three of us we can carry back about… twenty. What..? Sometimes it pays to be an animal, sometimes… don’t. Woo! This is great. What’d you say this was again, Grandpa? LOBSTER. Ooh! Fancy. What? This isn’t lobster, Grandpa, it’s baby buffalo. Remember? Craphole murdered it. That’s my son. Craphole – the baby killer. Proud of you, son. Mom, can I have some more please? Absolutely not, this meat has to last. But I’m still hungry! Here, now- Thank you- No stupid, that is not for you. That’s for your poor baby brother now go take it to him. Hey. Hey alien. Hey. Here, dinner. Duh. Eat it. EAT IT. I love you. [audience awws] I never get anything I want. Never get anything you want? Well, why do you think we’re out here starving in the middle of nowhere? To get you to Oregon, ’cause that’s what you want! What? That is what you and Dad want! Same difference! Nuh uh! You never listen to anything I say! You know, sometimes you can be so… What?! Goddammit, ‘sometimes I’m so’ what? Maybe it’s best if we- No no no. [clears throat] My daughter here thinks that I never listen. Well! Now I am all ears. What? I was just gonna say that sometimes you can be a little bit overbearing. Oh Mouthface, you have cut me quick to the core! But you know something? You might be right. Yeah. I mean you’re a big girl now. You’re practically a grown woman. Maybe you can take care of yourself! And maybe you can take care of your brother too. And your Grandpa! Cause you don’t need me anymore… Why, my whole life was taking care of you, but now my work is done. You hear that, Lord? I did it! Now I can finally lay down and die. Well. Goodbye Mouthface. Best of luck to ya’. Bye Grandpa, I’m going to heaven now. Have some fun for me. Okay I will. Ahem. Here I go. -Bye. I’m dying. That ain’t funny, mama! Mama, that trick used to work on me when I was a little girl but I know better now and I know you’re just foolin! Right, mama? Ma-Mommy? Mommy mommy mommy… Oh no! No, she’s dead! She really did it! God… WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE TAKEN DAD INSTEAD??! [audience laughs] Oh mama! Mommy please! No, don’t go! Don’t leave me, please!! Don’t leave me, come back! I can’t live without you!! Ohh, the Lord sent me back! Why, there I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to me: “Oh Slippery When Wet, your work on earth is not done.” “There is a fool child down there who is lost without you.” And I said “Oh no no, please let me in, you don’t know how she treats me.” You know that is cruel. Manipulating a young girl like me! You know what, I’m sorry that my heart is too big for my own good! Sometimes…Sometimes I wish I didn’t even have a family to care for! Sometimes I wish the Bandit King would come and take me away. You be careful what you wish for. It’d be a weight off my shoulders if someone took you. Well maybe that person would finally show me what it feels like to be loved! Dammit! God damnit Jack Bauer, are you going after her or what? Uhhhyes! Yep! Here, she can have my share. And what is the matter with you? How come you ain’t eatin? I can’t eat that. It’s part of that cow I shot. It’s blood is on my hands. Oh sweetie, don’t get all torn up over a buffalo. You know some people might say you sent that creature to heaven! Other people might say that animals dont have souls. But you know, either way, you shooting it was God’s will. But those cows were a family. Like us. What if it’s God’s will is for one of us to die? (foreboding music) No one is going to die. I promise. Now listen to me, I know you didn’t want to shoot that buffalo, but if you hadn’t then we would’ve starved. You see? Because… Well Sometimes, when the world’s at stake, you do what you gotta do. No matter how hard it is. You kids are my world. I would lie, cheat, steal and kill to get you to Oregon. But, it wasn’t always like that. Why, I remember when your sister first came along and, well, I don’t want to say she ruined my life, but she certainly didn’t make it any easier… At first I didn’t want it. Her daddy, well we didn’t fit. I couldn’t swing it. I was scared to do it alone. Seventeen and pregnant. Not what I’d had in mind. Her daddy was a farmer, but not the wealthy kind. I wanted be a dancer, but not the kind I did for pay. Who was this new person that was getting in my way? I could of walked out, left her for dead, cut her out with my own hands but something in me was kicking and screaming to live! When the world’s at stake, There are lives to save. And even though I shake My hands at God, I pray, Let her have a better life than I can provide. Lord, have mercy on my soul as I try to do her right… It took a long, long time to understand God’s plan for me. He threw me down the river, beat my flush in Kankakee. By the time my water broke, I was deep in my own debt but when I saw her face, it was easy to forget. I knew had to get her away, take her to where my debt was paid a new beginning, a place I’ve never been and never seen When the world’s at stake All your dreams, they change And every step you take Is for another’s sake And even if she grows to hate me, I won’t change my course of heart. Lord, have mercy on my soul if we ever grow apart. You think that I resent her very being. That maybe I regret her ever needing a mother Is it wrong that I enjoy to right her? I maybe rash and over-protecting, not bitter I suppose I could be softer… I can do better, hold you closer. I’m learning that as I grow older, I’m the one to forgive. When the world’s at stake, all your dreams they change, And it feels so great To watch the one you save Be the most adoring person your mom has ever known, Lord, have mercy on my soul, and let my dreams be all her own! When my world’s at stake… Hey how’s it going over here? Oh he just fell right asleep, tuckered himself on out. This little boy of ours, he is just too God damn small. You know, it’s your fault if the trail kills him. You made weak children without barely a brain in their heads. Ooh I think that’s just the trail talking. Had a long hard day, you just need to kick back, relax, take a load off… Uh oh…Look at that…Looks like one of the buttons on my butt flap is a little loose.. It could fall open at any time… What are you doing? Are you trying to get me to sew your pants? Get that ham hock out of here. No honey, I’m not trying to get you to sew my pants… It’s just been a while since we’ve been alone… and it looks like everyone else is off to sleep… and I know it’s hard to tell, but God has seen fit to bless me with a cheerful, sturdy erection right now. Look, we are out here starvin’ out here in the middle of the woods, and you wanna crawl up on me and inject me with your filth? Bleh. Why do you gotta say it like that? Why can’t you call it making love? Cause you don’t make love, you make a mess of things is what you make. Oh okay… You know, I just want to lay next to you. I just want to SLEEP NEXT TO MY WIFE SHHHH Would you be quiet!? You want to wake up these kids? Out here screaming about fornicating? Just go to bed. Good night – shhh I love you – SHH *snoring* I cannot believe you’re not even gonna TRY to woo me. I’m sorry honey you’re right? Well maybe we could have made love but it is way too late for that now. Thanks a lot. You killed the whole romantic mood we had. No I can be romantic! I can be romantic! Guys help me out here, play something. -funky sexy music plays- Now come on, yell at me some more! Give it to me! I don’t want to yell at you anymore. I’m tired of fighting. Me too. I mean, we don’t have to fight, Slippery When Wet… There is room for two in the bed. Okay you talked me into it I guess it wouldn’t hurt just this once. *singing* gonna get it on Okay just calm down. Well I guess that’s alright. You know, I, alright well I have missed the way that you… AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh! A snake! Honey you’ve been bit by a snake! I know that get it off of me!! Oh God it hurts! Oh sweet Lord I can feel the snake venom coursing through my veins. Oh it’s working quick, you gotta suck it out, suck out the poison! Oh god I’m going blind. like that? ARE YOU KISSING MY LEG?! I’M NOT A PROUD MAN!! YOU ARE AS BAD AS THAT HORNY OX! Just hack it off, hack off my leg! No I can do it, hold still! Oh Jesus I’m coming for you, Slippery When Wet’s coming home. …Oh my god…You did it! I can see! For once in your life you did something without goofing it up! *gulp* Thanks! You’re..not…supposed…to SWALLOW IT! What are you talking about honey? I feel fine! In fact, I’ve never felt more alive! What’s happening to him, Mom? He’s dying, kids. Woah! He’s turning purple!! What did he put in his mouth? Honey! Honey! I can hear what dog’s can hear. Yep! Pretty sure. Oh my God I have wings. oh ho ho honey I can fly. JACK BAUER CAN FLY Myserious voice: FATHER yeah? ONE OF YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE Which one? If it’s my wife she might be faking. She does that sometimes. IT HAS BEEN CHOSEN By who? THE WATCHERS Who are the watchers? THEY…THEY’RE JUST…THE ONES WHO WATCH Where are they? Show them to me! OH what ARE YOU?? what ARE you? The watchers with 1000 eyes!! Why do you want to watch us die? Will that entertain you? You sick bastards. Tell me, how will we die? [audience member yells dysentery] WOAH, FIRST TRY YOU GUYS ARE GOOD PEOPLE. THAT’S IT: DYSENTERY. I’ve looked in the eyes of certain demons (We’re always watching you.) There’s an underworld right underneath! (Boo! We’re right behind you.) The world’s a shitty, shitty place you see, (Shitty, shitty.) And now we will die appropriately! (Poop your butt-hole.) It’s a dysentery world! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vir-us) For all you boys and girls! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vi-rus, bitch). It’s the most popular of diseases (Popular). Selling out shows from coast to coast! (We sell out, we sell out, we sell out). You never know when it might hit you! (Hit you in the face.) But you better freak out, cuz it’s fucking gross! (So fucking gross!) It’s a dysentery world! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vir-us) For all you boys and girls! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vi-rus). It’s a dysentery world! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vir-us) For all you boys and girls! (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vi-rus, bitch). Oh, it’s a dysentery world, for all you boys and girls. Oregon is for the damned… (You’ll die of dysentery, dysentery vir-us bitch). Bitch, how’d it come to this? Why do we exist? Your God is a fecal scam! (Poo party!) (You died of dysentery, dysentery vi-rus, bitch). (Eat shit! ) You fool. You damn fool. You dragged us down this God-forsaken trail, then you up and died on us. I ain’t crying for you. I’m crying cause my hands hurt from digging this grave all night. Now children, why don’t you show me the tombstone that you’ve made for your poor, foolish father. Pepperoni…and…cheasse? No, no mom. Pepperoni and CHEESE. See? Like a pizza. Get it? Did we do good? Put the rock down your father’s dead he don’t care. Grandpa what’s that sour face for? This was supposed to be my coffin. This coffin is for EVERYBODY. We are doing this trip on a budget. Now once this funeral is over we will dump it out and save it for the next death. Now children. Say a few kind words for your poor, foolish father please. …pepperoni. …And cheese? Yep. yeah. couldn’t have said it better myself. Pepperoni and cheese, amen. Alright let’s get him in the hole. *gasp* He’s still alive! KIDS! Come here kids! Don’t you ever die! What? DONT YOU EVER DIE! OKAY! THE WATCHERS….THEY’RE GONNA KILL ONE OF US! THEY’RE GONNA KILL ALL OF US! Did you just fake your own death? What the hell kind of parent are you?! You made me dig this damn grave for nothing! Now you get yourself back in that wagon we have a lot of ground to cover because of you, Jack Bauer Dikrats! I’m sorry family. I apologize for my past behavior. It’ll never happen again. Now let’s get a move on…there’s no time. Dad are you sure you’re okay? Of course I am honey! Just be on the lookout for any more snake-a-majongs. What? Dad are you addicted to snake venom now? Of course I am honey! Alright everybody. Let’s fly to Oregon. What is wrong with dad? Nothing. He’s finally making some sense! I’ve see those watchers too. Lets fly. Wait..well hey wait, I wanna fly let me fly! Yeah me too! And then we can get naked in a lake! My stupid family. Well, you know what they say: If you can’t beat them, join them. Luckily, I can beat them. Ow three! Ow four wow, she got them all! Those are some pretty good parenting techniques. Well well well, if it isn’t that wagon family from a few months back, the family that insulted the honor of…The Bandit King… Huh. Look at em Cletus. Yeah look at em Cletus Jones, having a good old fashioned family road trip hyuh hyuh hyuh it looks so… God it looks so fun. Well what’s the matter McDoon, I haven’t seen you this pensive in weeks! It’s just… When we’re robbing wagons and killing families, do you ever feel envious? Like maybe you’d like to have a family of your own one day, one that you didn’t rob and kill, of course. I mean, sure I’m knows far and wide as The Bandit King but, I ain’t got no one to love. Well, we make love on occasion. Yeah, but, we’re just messing around right? No strings attached c’mon Cletus right? No strings? Hahaha Yeah…just messing around…. You see, what I need is a wife of my own, yep. Well making a marriage is hard work, but what you and me got going is a good thing! Yeah but I gotta be free to make my own mistakes, Cletus. Find that out for myself. Yeah, you’re right. If I loved you I’d let you go. Yep. Which is why I am giving up my bandit ways. I aint gonna steal nothing from that family down there. All I’m gonna do is take that sweet sweet daughter of theirs haha Hey! Daughters are things. CLETUS JONES! The way you talk about women is reprehensible. Now will you please hand me my cloth soaked in ether so I can go down there, knock that girl out and drag her ass to Mexico to make my my child bride. A bride fit for… The Bandit King. When the going gets tough And your smoking cigarette, Not for the taste of it, The madness it grows like a flame through the soul And its time, for some payback… Conditions are right. The kindle is dry. It’s a labor of chemistry. Just a tiny spark sends the light through the dark, And the devil’s unleashed! Hell is your destiny! Your wagon is on fire! Your wagon is aflame! Your wagon is on fire! It’ll never be the same! Now is the next part of the plan. Grab the girl and let’s get going The tall one with the ugly dress? That’s my future wife! Show some respect! This is all fucked. I thought it would be clean! How could it be when we’re burning families? Grab her, bag her, anyway you want. I’m too busy saying what’s going on. And life as you know it is changing! DAUGHTER: Let me go! Desperate times call for measures. DAUGHTER: Mr. McDoon? Wedding bells, they are clanging! DAUGHTER: The Bandit King! Another one’s ash is my treasure Your wagon is on fire! When did this get serious? When my world’s at stake! Your journey is a sham You should have payed attention, dad. There are lives to save! And all that you desire SON: Why aren’t you furious? MOTHER: We’re not far behind! MCDOON: You’re back where you began FATHER: It’s all just a part of the grind! Take it one day at a time, and we’ll find our way back home ALL: Are we gone to Oregon? Oh-re-gon! Re-gon! When you got mud on your dick! (applause) Alright, child-bride, you just hang out here in the back of this wagon. I’m gonna be up front driving, and in the short, short span of several months, the Oregon Trail’s gonna be right behind us. No! Alright we’ll get there we’ll get there. Thrown in back like burlap sack and, Lord, does my butt hurt. I guess its been days, or weeks, or months or something worse. Everything looks the same when you’re staring at nothing but dirt, And all I hear are the wheels buckling, large men yelling sounds like pouting, I really miss a more familiar sound, Mom… ‘Cause I’m lost without you. It’s been a long, long time. Every time I look around me, I pray you’re at my side On the trail… Hey, would pipe down back there? Me and McDoon are trying to sing our own song up front and yours keeps getting stuck in our heads. We’re not lost without your family so knock it off! Sorry! Kept a journal of all the spots we’ve passed just for you, Dad. The big Blue Mountains are actually grey. They look tired and really sad. There’s no soda in “Soda Springs.” The water’s way too hot. Fort Hall’s just a great big wall and we didn’t even stop! Now I’m lost without you. Sometimes I barely breathe. If I ever don’t think of you It’s because I can’t believe, That I’m on the trail without you, With miles and miles to go. Send me some sign that you’re okay, A telegram or note From the trail… I wont stop till I find you again, even if you’re a pile of ash! I’ll find an eastbound caravan and crank up its pace to fast! You won’t notice I’ve been gone at all! You’ll say, “Mouthface, where you been?” I want you to know that there’s not a moment That goes by without the thought of you! I won’t be lost without you, ‘Cause you’ll be there at my side. You and Dad real close together, With my brother on my right! I won’t be lost Without you! I’ll see your shining faces, Even if it’s through a stone. I’ll write something real nice for you that reminds me of home, On the trail… Woah, look at that snowstorm out there, Darla. Guess winter came early this year. it’s the coldest one in a long time, that’s what they’re saying… Darla, you’ve been cleaning that same glass for two weeks now. It’s dirty. Mmhmm, well no matter. We ain’t got no business anyway. Ain’t seen any travelers in a month on account of the snow. No one’s stupid enough to be outside in this weather! Woah! Close that door now pleaseandthankyou hyumdumdyup! Well gang, here we are. Fort Bridger. Isn’t it great kids? I mean, kid? I told you winter was coming. I told you! But we just had to move at a steady pace, didn’t we? Now we’re out there walking through the snow, dragging behind us that deaf, blind, horny ox. And I can’t believe you didn’t even try to fight that man that burnt our wagon and took my poor baby daughter. Don’t worry honey, we’ll get her back. These kind of things just happen sometimes. sometimes your wagon burns down and your daughter gets kidnapped. It was an act of… The Bandit King. Well! Can I get you folks something to drink? Yes please So thirsty we’re dying. Oh dyin’ huh yeah, aren’t we all ayep? Dysentary’s goin round these parts. [ominous sound cue] Better watch out…It could kill anyone of your family [ominous sound cue] Well what can I get’cha? Do you have anything free? Got any water for an old man’s throat? Oh no water’s gonna cost ya BUT I do have these Mike’s Hard Lemonades that I can’t seem to get rid of. Hey come on gang! Nothing like an ice cold, lukewarm Mike’s Hard Lemonade to really bring a family together. What is this? Hold it right there. You think it’s alright to give a seven-year-old this? Won’t he get drunk? From a Mike’s Hard Lemonade?! No sir. No no no. No no no no theres only enough alcohol in one of that there these to make it taste worse than regular lemonade but, uh, look I’m not trying to make fun. I’m just trying to get rid of this six pack that I was given at a promotional event two years ago Eh, that checks out. Bottom’s up. Bartender get this away from me, I do not want it Oh I don’t blame you ma’am. So, you’re the last one aren’t you. [ominous sound cue] Ok, ahem, but what I would like is a large bottle of Kentucky whisky Oh-ho, you’ve got it m’am! Honey, you’ve been sober for so long. You don’t want to fall off the wagon just cause a few bumps in the road, do you? The wagon burned down, Jack. Sweetheart… Just don’t touch me Well, you all have done me a huge favor taking those Mike’s Hard’s off my hands but I can’t just give you that bottle of whisky for free ya have any way to pay for that m’am? Oh I’ve got something you can have. I don’t have any use for it anymore A…wedding ring…for me? Well, it wasn’t the marriage proposal I always dreamed of but, heck, yeah let’s do it. No, no, no. I’m trading you that ring for the bottle of booze. Oh! Right. Right. That seems fair enough. Yeah. Just…got my hopes up for a second there. Honey. That’s your wedding ring. That’s a symbol of our love and marriage. Marriage. Hah. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. This isn’t a partnership. This marriage is like owning a dog. A really stupid dog. I will admit he’s a cute dog but, he’s a biter. He bites me and he bites the kids. So I have to make a decision. Where do I draw the line? When do I say it is no longer appropriate for me to keep this dog around my family? It’s a sad and a hard decision to make. Because I love dogs. But I just can’t take care of this dog anymore. Honey. I just want to double check. If we’re talking about a literal, actual dog then yeah, to hell with the dog, family first, I won’t ask for a dog again. But we’re actually talking about me – – yes we’re talking about you. Then in my opinion, that dog’s completely different. You can’t just get rid of a dog! When you get a dog, you make a vow to love that dog. And only that dog, for ever and ever. I’m going to take what family I have left, and we’re going to find our own way to Oregon. And you… you just enj oy the rest of your vacation. Come on, Craphole. And this isn’t personal, Jack Bauer. It’s survival. Wow Dad, you’re really in trouble with Mom. Can I tellya something about myself? I hate being in trouble… as a kid, that is my number one fear. You know how many times I’ve thought about just not coming back to the wagon because I didn’t want to get in trouble for something? I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn’t say anything about it and no one asked me so… I’ve been walking around with one shoe. If someone were to ask me “Shere’s your shoe?” I’d say “I don’t know.” because at this point I honestly don’t. I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the wagon, but, I mean it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it but no one’s said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is… that shoe bounced pretty good. Well, goodbye Dad. I do not love you more than Mom, but, I certainly feared you less. Goodbye Craphole. Oh, and Dad? Mom may have thrown you off the proverbial wagon, but sometimes when you throw something off the wagon, they bounce back on. Maybe that’ll happen to you, Dad. Maybe that’ll happen to you. What do you want? Come to kick me while I’m down? No. My legs hurt. Listen, Jack Bauer. We’ve never really gotten along. I’ve been cruel to you, I’ve called you names, but the reason I’m so hard on you is, well, you remind me of myself: a dumb useless idiot the whole family could do without. What’s your point, Dad. My point is… you don’t want to be like me. I’ve never been much of a husband or father. In fact, did I ever tell you how I lost my wife? Tuberculosis, Dad. I was there at the funeral. No, that’s what we wanted you to think. We buried an empty casket that day. The truth is… *sigh*… this is hard for me to say… The truth is, I never banish any lobsters to the sea. I know that Dad. They banished me to the land. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I’m talking about Cornwallis. The leader of the lobsters. We were friends once. Brothers even. Eleanor was in love with the both of us. So to end our famous feud, I let her go with him. He took my wife, and my million dollars. He was more of a man than I’ll ever be, and he was a lobster. Grandpa, you just kind of don’t ever know what the hell is going on, do you? Look! What I’m trying to say is that you can’t just let your wife go. You gotta fight for her if you want her. Or you’re gonna lose your family… to a bunch of lobsters! Lobsters will play no significant role in my life. Well, I’m just saying it could happen. No it couldn’t, Tittymitty. It doesn’t have to be lobsters. It could be any crustacean: crabs, goats. It’s a similar situation… No it isn’t. Why you gotta pick apart everything I say to you? I don’t even know why I’m trying to help. I hate you. And then what I says to this sap is I says, “If you’re going down the trail to Oregon, this is the wagon you wanna be on!” And he bought it! What a bird-brain, right? Oh General Store Guy, you’re such a sheister! Yeah. I sure am. But I would never lie to you dollface. C’mon. Hey. That’s the general store guy that sold me that lousy Wago-9000. If I were any sort of real husband or father, I’d march over there and… register a complaint. Or ask for a refund. Oh, leave him alone. Look, he’s with a friend. No. I have to do this. For my family. Hey YOU! You sold me a bad wagon! No I didn’t. The wagon you sold me kept falling apart on us and almost got my whole family killed and if it weren’t for you, we’d be in Oregon by now. So I think… I think you owe me a refund or something. Me? Bad wagon, sell you a bad wagon, okay well, in your opinion it was a bad wagon but are you a carpenter sir? Nope. Then what the hell do you know about wagons anyway, you stupid idiot. No offence. None taken. Alright. Since I’m such a nice guy lemme tell ya what I’m gonna do. Alright, I am gonna fix you up with a new wagon and boy have I got the model for you. It is a brand new unit, I just picked it up on my way into town. Now, it was on fire when I found it, but I’m gonna give it to you for half price. That’s the exact same wagon we abandoned a month ago. Yeah but I’m giving to you for half price. WE ALREADY PAID FOR IT! I WANT A NEW, QUALITY WAGON, with wheels that are CIRCLES, and I don’t want any fancy UPGRADES like a horny ox or a floor window. OH! I want a sturdy wagon! And I want it FOR FREE! (General Store Guy laughs)(Audience applauses) They’re right, you’re funny sir! You are very funny! But please, tell me, why on earth would I ever give you a wagon for free? Oh! I didn’t think this through! I wasn’t using my brain! I wasn’t using my brain! Oh Grandpa, I wasn’t using my brain. Grandp a, I wasn’t thinking at all! Oh my God, why would he ever do that? Why would he ever do that? Oh, I don’t know, because if you don’t, I’ll kill you. WOAH! And I’ll kill her too. Gasp! I’ll do anything to save my family At first, I was a moron. I stood a little too tall. I didn’t know I was close to losing it all. I burned our farm down by my own hand. If God did it, He’s a sneaky man. But now it’s time I take control of His plan! When the world’s at stake, There are lives to save, Every breath I take and every rule I break, I’m one step closer to my family! I can feel it in my bones! Lord, have mercy on my soul, As I take back what’s all my own! Alright, I’ll give anything you want. Just don’t hurt her. Kill me instead. Oh, General Store Guy. What’re you doing? When the world’s at stake, and there are lives to save, And, yes, I’m one big fake, But please cut me a break. ‘Cause IIIII… (he can’t hit the high note) Nope You really went for it there I know that based on what you just saw, you wouldn’t believe it, but I played Tony in Independence Community Theater’s production of West Side Story a couple years back. It’s like, big fish small pond, but..sigh I was proud. Alright. I want the best wagon you got! That would be my wagon. Here are the keys, jinglejingle. And I want food. So much God damn food my son could never eat it all. Ok food you got it okay. Alright let’s get a move on. That means you too, Grandpa. Get! Get! Oh, I know you can move faster than that. Alright, I’m trying. I’m proud of you son. But don’t shoot me. When my world’s at stake… Come on, Craphole. We gotta find our own way outta here. Get ourselves a horse or a mule. Hell, we’ll hitchhike if we have to! Come on, Son! Keep up… Where is your goddamn shoe? I should have stayed with Dad. Craphole! Honey! I’m coming! Jack Bauer! Is this a new wagon? Where on earth did this come from? Woah. I did what I had to do. Look, you’re right about me. I’m a dog. I’m a dumb, dumb happy-go-lucky dog. But you know what else a dog is? Dirty! More positive Amazing! Dogs are amazing. And I will do anything with zero regard for my own safety, to get this family to Oregon. I’m not asking for you to forgive me I’m just asking for a chance to help get our daughter back. It IS a good wagon. It doesn’t have a floor window in it, does it? No..Sorry. That’s alright. Well alright, scoot over. Alright Dickrats, if we’re gonna catch up to McDoon and get our daughter back, we’re gonna have to go down this trail like no one’s ever gone before. We are setting our rations to bare bones, and our pace to grueling. We are not stopping for nothing. We are gonna blaze this trail all the way to Oregon! We’re gonna do… A speed run! YEAH She went off like a bolt of lightening, Mad as Hell, and the pace was frightening. Every stop on the trail was left for dead. The legend around her spread, Like a weed in a flower bed. Her mission was clear and straight ahead. She tempted fate to it’s limit, Pushing all of us hard through the night. If the weather so much as shifted, She scared it off with a knife! She went on a run! Speed Run! To save the future! The woman I love had fire in her eyes! She went on a run! Speed Run! To save our daughter now. The woman I love’s come back to life! FAMILY: Woah oh oh oh! Woah oh oh oh! Speed Run! MOTHER: There’s nothing that needs exploring. That part of the game is boring. Hold onto your butts and let me drive! It’s time to reduce our rations. Rational is out of fashion. The Queen Bee is back to claim her hive! I know all of the short cuts. I’m using my motherly-sense. If idle minds are the Devil, Then speed’s our only defense! Oh my God! There’s a gap in the road! It’s a river, Dad. It’s called a river. What are we gonna do? Ford it?!? No… We’re gonna jump it! What? Ahhh! Run! Speed Run! To the future! Fanning the flames of the demon inside! It’s time to run! Speed Run! To save our daughter now! Cuz the slower you play, the faster you die! Woah oh oh oh! Woah oh oh oh! Nothing can stop us now! Oh, nothing can take us down! Who needs to stop and piss when you’re in the lead?! Nothing can stop us now! Oh, nothing can break us down! Who knew that all this time, we had what we need?! Oh oh oh! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster! Oh oh oh! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster, faster! Faster, faster, faster! Oh oh oh! FATHER: Oh, they called it a “Speed Run” Oh, they called it a ‘Speed Run!’ It’s the story of one mother-fuckin’ family! FAMILY: Woah oh oh oh! Woah oh oh oh! Woah oh oh oh OH! So, you’re the other woman, huh? What? You must think you’re pretty hot stuff cause McDoon wants to make you his child-bride. Well, let me tell you something, sister. I was here before you, and I’ll be here long after you’re gone. All you are is me twenty years younger. And when McDoon’s done messing around with you, he’s gonna come straight back to me. Wait… uh, Mr. Cletus Jones? Look, look. I don’t wanna come between you and your friend. So why don’t you just let me go? And I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again. Oh no. You may be a home-wrecker, but I’m not. You’re gonna marry McDoon, and you’re one lucky girl, cause he is the most amazing man I have ever met. What a morning, huh?! I just took a big dump in the great Columbia River! The river that’ll carry us down to Oregon, and from there we’ll head to Mexico. That is, of course, if you agree to marry me. Never Oh, come on! I been treating you real good, haven’t I? I keep your limbs bound with the finest rope money can buy. I gently chloroform you to sleep every night. And I promise, that’s how it’s gonna be everyday once you’re my child-bride. Uggh, I would never even consider marrying you until you changed your bad ways. But I have! Nuh Uh, you almost killed my family! They could be dead For all I know, I been sitting in the back of a wagon for three months writing letters to nobody like a jack-ass! Look, I swear, your family is the last one I’ll ever kill okay? I don’t believe you. You have to prove to me that you can change. And you can start by untying these ropes please oohhhhhhh Alright okay There. You happy? Yes. Thank you. Oh Shit! Goddamit, get her Cletus! Get her! Get her! Oh those are some heavy woods! Oh there she is she came out of the woods! She’s comin down that hill! OH! Gotcha. Good thing I was there. Good thing, Cletus. You did good work Cletus. You’re a good partner. WELL. Whoo! Child bride. Keep me on my toes – put em in. Oh you keep me on my toes child bride I like that. I like that a lot. You’re the kind of woman I can share my life with, you know what I mean? Mi casa es su casa huh? I don’t speak Spanish Alright Well. Now all we gotta do is float our wagon down the great Columbia River to that new life together. How are we supposed to float a wagon? It’s a wagon. Oh! oh child bride! We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface. We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface. We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface, Until the day we die. But I don’t wanna die! That’s why… We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface. We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface. We gotta caulk your wagon, Mouthface, Until the day we die. What and how are we supposed to do that? Well… Do you see that ox? Uh huh He’s and ox, of course. Yep And he took us down the trail, But his time is up, Cuz he won’t help us unless he grows a sail! His time is up, unless he grows a sail. His time is up… (the ox tries to grow a sail, but can’t) He didn’t grow a sail. So we’ll chop him up, remove his guts, And grind up all his hooves. Then we’ll mix it up into a pulp, And spread it on like glue. We’ll chop him up, and make him into glue! Your caulk is up! This ox has died for you! C’mon let’s do this! Why don’t we just build a raft? Uh, a raft?! Cuz uh that takes weeks of labor and choppin’ up lots of wood, Mouthface. Do you wanna chop up all that wood, Mouthface? No. Could we just please do this?! (gets ready to caulk the wagon) Now spread the caulk on thick, To seal out the water. Now blow on it real quick. *woosh* It has a real strange odor. Why did we leave home in the first place? I’m springing leaks all over my face. A higher power steers me true. Now let me do the same for you. I see this trip has taken its toll, Now let me fill your holes! He’s gonna caulk your wagon, Mouthface. He’s gonna caulk your wagon, Mouthface. He’s gonna caulk your wagon, Mouthface, Until the day you die! Now that’s how you caulk a wagon! Alright, everybody! *banging and falling* I didn’t know there was a ridge there. Alright! On the count of three we’re gonna push off. One!… Two!… Three!! We’re off! Until the day we die! Caulk the wagon! Caulk the wagon! Caulk the wagon… OHHHHH GODAMMIT WE HIT A ROCK OUR WAGON’S DESTROYED WE’RE GOING DOWN THE RIVER AHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOHH We’re gonna die!!!!! Wait! Mr. McDoon! A rock! McDoon! Help! I got you Cletus Jones! Just hold on! McDoon, before we die I just want to tell you– Oh you shut your mouth Cletus. Everything’s gonna be just fine! We’ve gotten out of worse scraps than this. I mean, this can’t be the end of The Bandit KingOHSHITGODDAMMIT AHHHHH Oh no! They’re dead! And I’m out here all alone in the middle of the great Columbia River, the most dangerous river in the world! I never should have wished my family away. In fact, I wish my family was here right now! We are here, Mouthface! Mama! Craphole! Daddy? Come on Jack Bauer, we gotta do something There’s only one thing to do…we have to ford the river ourselves. Alright everyone. Strap yourselves in. This is the Great Columbia River. The most dangerous river in the world. Oh wait hold on listen, Mom, listen. I’m all for a quick skinny-dip, but if we go in there, we could die. Remember what everyone in Independence said? Friends don’t let friends ford the river. We’re not friends! We’re family. Now get this wagon into that raging river! Alright…Here we GOOOO!!! Oh no! the waves are really picking up now! What I said before about not really needing you Oh Mouthface, none of that matters anymore just take my hand!! Uh oh gang. Look at that – there’s a huge boulder straight ahead. We’re gonna crash. AHHHHHHHH (much screaming) I thought I drowned for sure. How did I… You. Hello…Tittymitty Cornwallis. You saved us. Why? It wasn’t for you, Grandpa. It was for Eleanor How is she these days? She passed, two years ago come April. This doesn’t change anything. I know, Grandpa. I know… Grandpa? Kids! Who were you talking to, Dad? Just an old… friend. Woah, that was some crash Well, looks like we lost about 500 pounds of food, 30 boxes of bullets, and the wagon’s gone to bits. But what matters, family, is we’re finally here. What? You see that golden glow over that ridge yonder, where the sky is the bluest blue you ever seen in your life. That, family, is Oregon! Oregon! I can see it It looks like the state line’s about a hundred yards that way. We made it…we made it! WE MADE IT!! Alright gang, what are we waiting for? Come on, let’s go Let’s get this fucking trip over with. Alright, everyone hold hands. We’re not losing anybody. Not again. That’s right, nothing can stop us now. Come on! We’re almost at… THE STATE LINE! Once we cross this threshold, everything will be fine. Let’s get this done. Heyy–hold on asecond COME ON! GODDAMMIT what now? I’m sorry, ma’am. This’ll take but a moment. Hello, pioneers. You’re right about to enter Oregon, the land of fortune, glory, promise and opportunity. But, before I let you in, I just have to give you all a quick medical examination to make sure none of you have dysentery. Dysentery? That’s right, ma’am. It’s running rampant all throughout the trail and we just want to keep Oregon nice and clean. This is ridiculous. We’re all fine. I’m sure you are, ma’am. I’m SURE you are. But this will take but a moment, don’t worry in fact I can do it from right here. I got a pretty good eye for these things. Mama I’m scared It’s alright everything’s gonna be all right Alright…yep…everything looks pretty OH MY GOD I’m sorry But one of you’s got Dysentery. And you got it REAL bad No…this isn’t fair. We’ve come so far. We did our best I know and I’m sorry ma’am but, this is just an act of god. Well, without further ado the family member dying of dysentery tonight is: drum roll please

100 Replies to “The Trail to Oregon!”

  1. 0:00 Gone to Oregon

    5:30 CRAPHOLE! Yeah that’s me

    9:39 Independence!

    25:22 The Grind

    37:26 Pays to be an animal

    48:13 When the worlds at stake

    58:25 Dysentery world

    1:05:53 Wagon on fire


    1:08:13 Lost without you

    1:25:45 When the worlds at stake (reprise)

    1:30:01 Speed Run

    1:35:45 Caulk The Wagon
    stealing this cause i need it at the top of the comment section lol, this list isnt mine

  2. It’s really weird when you think about the fact that Joey plays Ron in a very Potter musical and the girl who plays mouth face plays Ginny and it’s weird because they’re flirting in this

  3. Okay but the really emotional scene where Jack Bauer admits to burning the farm down, and is all like "If God had did it, he's a sneaky man", talk about A+++++ character development

  4. Ok I live in the Willamette Valley and hearing them pronounce it wrong throughout the show makes it extra entertaining

  5. I was laughing so hard during independence because I remembered that video of Joey's two mess ups and I died😂😂

    Also,when joey sing the "when you wake up with mud on your dick" line as a crying baby buffalo😂

  6. I still don't know whether the reactions for "Mud on your dick" were complete "this wasn't supposed to happen" surprise, or just brilliant acting…

  7. okay but tell me why they haven't done a shining musical when jeff can clearly play an amazing jack torrence like come on that scene when he was getting a better waggon is incredible

  8. Slippery when Wet: Hufflepuff (could have been Slytherin)
    Jack Bauer: Gryffindor
    Titty Mitty: Gryffindor (could have been Slytherin)
    Craphole: not sorted as he's only 7. But definitely a freaking Ravenclaw is ever there was one.
    Mouthface: Hufflepuff

  9. Or-again










    These are just some of the different ways I heard 'Oregon' being said in the first seven minutes

  10. I've never actually played the OT game before and I've only just got the Peperony and Chease joke after I saw a reference to it on Twitter….

  11. as someone who lives in the Willamette Valley, having people who don’t live here pronounce it ‘Willa mette” is expected

  12. Clark staring intensely at Lauren gives me a flashback to when he said his first impression of her was a Hot Latina goddess

  13. The thing I've noticed about this is that they never clarify of which side of the family Grandpa is from. Because it fluctuates. Either way, I think it's hilarious

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