You, Father Noooo! Dad! No! Oh its…ugh It’s alright family It’s god’s will and we all know god is a vicious, two-faced prick that’s right now come here kids I love you two both so much I’m not gonna be there to watch you grow up but it will all be alright as long as you never forget what this trip was all about eating grass close remembering old sayings! believing in Dad right. I love you dad Goodbye, Cupcake Goodbye Dad. I guess I’m mom’s only son now You were always mom’s only son I’m the father, remember? Oh. Well, I loved you like a brother Alright. Dad? Where’s Grandpa Dad I’d say bye to you but I’m pretty sure you don’t know what the hell’s going on anyway Of course I know what’s going on and it’s breaking my heart You’re my son. And you’re a lobster. and I love you Okay shut up Grandpa you shut up Honey. Oh Jack Bauer You promised you’d never do anything to hurt this family again what do you think you’re doing now? Oh I just love you too damn much I love you too honey Now gather round, family And remember: When the darkness surrounds you and the light is all but out. There’s still fire deep inside you that will find the nearest route. [soft fart] It starts as a whisper you’ll hear a rumbling, an itching at your soul you can’t hold it any longer as the urge keep growing stronger and then you know [faartsqueek] You gotta go when you gotta go close your eyes, give it a shove go, you’ve gotta go it’s time to let go of your love [faarrt] the time we had together is all that I have left Go [fart], go [fart], go [fart]! till you can’t go [painful fart] anymore Wait! I might just make it I’ve found my second wind the pain’s not bad I can take it i think i can hold it in! Help me to my feet! You will have to carry me. [gross-ass fart] Nope! Put me down! My limbs are growing weak is this the end I seek? Oooh I guess there’s more I saw a porcelain door But there’s one last thing to say so come real close You gotta go when you gotta go! It is time to get the hell out of here Go! get get get go! I don’t want a single tear I’ll always be inside you even when I’m all dried up Go go go Till you can’t [A cornucopia of farts. A panoply of farts. Farts you wouldn’t imagine in your wildest dreams or nightmares] anymore. [Farts from another world] Oh…It ain’t right We was all supposed to get down the trail together But Grandpa, Daddy’s dead Dead or alive, we’re making it to Oregon as a family We’re not gonna give those watchers the satisfaction of beating us. Not today DAMN YOU TO HELL YOU WATCHERS DAMN YOU TO HELL Come on kids, help your grandpa There Oh god. You see, Jack Bauer? We did it. We made it! We’re all in Oregon…together [groan] Oh my god you’re alive! But how? I felt the clean, crisp Oregon air fill my lungs and it must have brought me back to life! It’s a christmas miracle! Look everybody…the sun is rising over the great Willamette Valley. It’s beautiful. Dad…what are we gonna do now? Start anew. Claim a little plot of land for ourselves. Yes children, it will be hard at first. But very soon we will have a farm all our own with crops as far as the eye can see. Yeah! And maybe we can finally get a cow for that horny ox! [tortured voice] HAHAHYESPLEASE And who knows? I had a hell of a time robbing that general store owner. Maybe I’ll take up the mantle of..The Bandit King! Dad. Are you gonna live a life of crime now? Of course I am honey. That’s what this trip is all about. Wait. Wait a minute…what’s this in my pocket? What is it dad? Well I’ll be…Cornwallis..You shickenkit son of a bitch! Gather round family! He gave it back my fortune.. Just look! A million dollar bill! Do you know what this means family? No more farmin’ or starvin’ or rotten luck! That’s right, because we made it to Oregon in one piece. But more importantly… WE’RE RICH!! And we know what that means! Come on buddy the waters just right so come on buddy lets have a water fight. Splashy splashy theres nothing more fun than dropping trow and getting some sun you can skinny if you’re fat or old put Marco Polo in a wrestling hold -theres his penis – all your problems wash away when you’re naked yeah you’re naked in a lake cmon guys! It’s super warm! Oh I don’t know about this! OK!!! Everybody jump in come and splash around feel the water between your toes Everybody swim take a mini vacay wearing only your birthday clothes I promise I won’t judge if you’ve got freckles or some pudge cause there’s just one way to spend the rest of the day getting naked yeah lets get naked get naked in a lake [All] Naked in a lake Naked in a lake Naked in a we’re naked in a lake Come on Mouthface I know you want to I can finally lose this dress! Come on Grandpa water’s good for you! I beat you to it my diaper’s wet! It’s nothing super sexual cause the act is nothing actual it’s time to free your little guy and let him play and have the time of your life starting today! Everybody jump in! come and splash around feel your body parts jingle-jangle everybody’s got fins! And super-cool when you’re kicking off your sandles If life ever gets you stressed find some woods and take a bath! And get naked [ahh] Yeah! Let’s get naked in a lake Yabba-dabba-doo! Let’s get naked Yeahh!! Let’s get naked in a lake [sweet 80’s era sax solo] They did it in ancient rome It’s everybody’s oldest story You can even do it alone just you in all your glory Everybody flip out Try to dunk your head, see how long you can hold your breath. You can even use toys like a floating raft for this H2Orgy fest You can do it in the dark but it’s way better when you see your parts! And I wouldn’t have it any other way being naked, yeah super naked we’re naked in a lake Naked in a lake Naked in a lake We are rich in Oregich But who cares? Cause we’re naked yeah we’re naked in a lake. Alright kids. Go pick out your favorite stretch of land What about you, Dad? I’m right behind you. Come on Jack Bauer, the water’s just right… Be right there honey.