I Don’t Watch TV | Episode 1 – Inglorious Constipated Basturds | #LaughterGames

I Don’t Watch TV | Episode 1 – Inglorious Constipated Basturds | #LaughterGames


Are you watching closely? You know what is the worst part of being a TV actor? Apart from being a TV actor? You don’t just lose your sleep… …You lose your shit! Literally… Fourteen hour shifts, seven days a week, thirty days a month! It will screw up the system of even the finest actors! Stop this man! Friends, a TV actor’s bowel movements go for a toss only in two conditions… Either he is working too much, like this next gentleman… You are the only one I have ever loved. My heart beats just for you! Every time I look at your face… I feel like… I need to piss, man! Sorry! Where’s the bloody loo break! Sir, didn’t you take it just eight hours back! So now I have to take your permission to pee, huh! If I took it eight hours back, so what should I do now? Suck it in and gargle it out? It’s Madam’s order! Only one loo break per shift!
Ab bas! To hell with your Madam! It’s my bladder, not a municipal corporation tap that runs just once a day! I drink 9 liters of water everyday! Why don’t you just ban my peeing and sit back and see my bladder burst. You can then sew me right back together ok! Don’t you get four hours at home every day? Already you are two hours late for the shoot! Piss at home as much as you want! Listen smartass, now you’re going to tell me what I should do at my home? Come here! Ever since you’ve become a director from a make up artist, you think no end of yourself! What? Look here…Don’t mess with me or I will leave the show! I don’t give a damn, I need to go to the loo! That’s final!…What? Sir, You have already left the show twice and have come back!
Yeah…So? Then why are you pissing on your career, sir?
Hey! The scriptwriter is also tired of bringing you in and out of coma! I don’t care. I know you don’t care!
Exactly! But…Understand the consequences…People were talking behind your back on the set
What were they saying? That if he creates anymore problem, let’s do a plastic surgery of his character!
Who said this? Who is saying all of this? Tell me! Who is saying all of this? Who is saying all of this?
Karan Kundra has his eyes on your character! Now either do the job or go piss somewhere else! I’ll do that shot and then go pee! Go take the shot!
Okay Sure? Are you ready?
Take the shot and then I will do a plastic surgery on you! Go! Stop laughing! Go take the shot!
Okay then! Camera!
Make-up man! Not you, Make-up man! This was Rithvik Dhanjani! But our dear Nakuul Mehta AKA Nox, has a different problem… ..Right now he doesn’t have any work!
Show some sympathy man! I had a bad day! Yeah we know! We saw your video on YouTube!
What video? Al…I’m f***ed! Oh my God Al! You should have seen Vivian in that honeymoon scene! You know the way he delivers his dialogues!
First there was Pacino, then there was Al. Alekh Sangal. Al Pacino’s cheap Chinese version! Say hello to my little friend! I will make her an offer she can’t refuse! I am out of order, you are out of order, this entire place is out of order! Rascal, go and deliver everyone’s order in thirty minutes or I will shove Pacino up your arse! Okay, sir! He’s stuck on a date with this girl who’s completely obsessed with TV star Vivian Dsena who is a friend of Al. Oh my God! The way he says his dialogue…
Babe! Just one second! Sure! Take your time!
Yeah Nox? What happened? What the hell are you saying? Okay wait, I’m coming over! Okay bye! You know what? I told my mother that I just love this guy… Well, it was me who got her here in Copa! And instead of being thankful, she’s been yapping about Vivian Dsena for the last 2 hours! I think I will have to give her a small dose of Al Pacino! So, as I was saying…
Babe! Do you know who got Vivian Dsena the part on the show? My father, Vito! Your dad’s name is Vito! Wow, that is such a cute name!
Cute, right?
Yeah! The producer didn’t want to cast Vivian at all! But then my father went to meet the producer with Luca Brasi! Luca Brasi? What’s that?
Never mind! The point is, eventually the producer signed on Vivian’s contract!
That’s good right? Yeah! And you know why?
Why? Because Luca Brassi put a gun to the Producer’s head and said… You either sign the contract or have your brains smeared all over it! That’s it… That’s just my family, Kay! It’s not me! K? What’s that? Never mind… I have to leave now so please take care of the bill. But I don’t have my purse! Why don’t you call up Vivian Dsena and ask him to get it for you! Hello! At least give me his number!
Hello! Hello?
Hello? May I speak to Nakuul sir please? Yes, This is Nakuul.
Sir, this is Shukla from Mataji Productions. How are you? Not that well actually…
Very good, Very good! Sir, what are you doing these days? You know the one question any actor or hell, anyone in the industry hates being asked? What are you doing these days? If I was a Bollywood heroine, I would have said… I have a couple of projects in the pipeline! Even if the pipeline starts from Nalasopara and ends in Mira Road Anyway… Ummm I’m doing this show called Pyaar Ka Dar…
But didn’t they fire you off that show? I saw your video on twitter! It’s alright, sir! Whatever happens, happens for the best! Please tell me, what are your plans now?
Um… I am waiting for the right project… We have it, sir!
Okay, what is it? Our next show! You Snake, Me Charmer… Our Impossible Union! What the hell is happening?
One minute please. Al, listen to this… Yes. Mr. Mishra?
My name is Shukla, Sir! Yeah, Sorry, What is the name of the show? You Snake, Me Charmer… Our Impossible Union! It’s the love story of a male snake and a female charmer! Interesting! What is my character in this?
You are the snake, sir! What?
A snake! It’s the story of a mystical shape-shifter who falls in love with a female snake charmer. Just like a vampire story sir! Alright, but what’s my character?
I already told you! He is a snake! Yes but what’s he like, what does he think… He’s a rather ambitious snake. What is his ambition? That we don’t know, sir!
Then when will you come to know? When the story gets written that’s when we will come to know about it!
So the story hasn’t been written till now? Sir, you just come… the story will automatically happen! Your fans in any case will watch you, not the story! You just come for a meeting and we will talk about it! Your video is going viral anyway! Bravo! You screwed them all!
Okay, now I am hanging up! Bro you know you can’t do this show, right? If you aren’t doing it, please recommend my name to them. You know I’ve got the best snake moves, right? I mean come on, Look at this! Look at this!
Drink! You are making a snake drink milk? Listen…Where is the video?
Show it to me! KP texted me, I think he knows who did it!
Then call him! Karan Patel is not just an actor! He is an idea, a thought process! To say he is just a TV Actor is like saying Taj Mahal is just a white building! Get it? Seventy minutes! You have seventy minutes! In these seventy minutes… You can either ask me the right or wrong questions … But no one can take these seventy mins away from you! Didn’t it give you a total Shahrukh feel? Sir, Shahrukh is totally on another level!
Yeah! He is a big screen star! But as per TV star standards, you’re also pretty famous… But the difference is that he carries the weight of those 100 cr box office collections on his shoulders! That’s why, even his dialogue delivery so intense!
Correct?
Yeah! Keep the samosa down!
Sir?
Keep the samosa down, Idiot! Hey! This isn’t from your father’s dowry! Keep it down!
Sorry, I thought you were only talking to him Shut up! Here I’ve lost my shit and you want to shove samosas in your mouth? You are pissing me off! Do you idiots have any idea about the TV industry’s turnover? It is three times that of the film industry! Sir, you are needlessly getting upset…
We didn’t mean to hurt you, Sir! There’s no difference between TV and film stars these days. I’m sure you have lots of girls who’re crazy about you. Yes sir, There are so many girls standing for you outside your van!
Yes sir! Idiot, all I see outside is smelly light men and here I’ve to be content with your ugly faces! Are you a journalist or a pimp… trying to sell me girls?
Get lost! But sir, the byte?
Yes sir, we needed your byte for the show “Saas-Bahu And Maalish” About the Nakuul Mehta video!
Nox, Hold on one second! You got a bite of the samosa, right? Now get lost or else I’ll kick you so hard, you will shit samosas! Get lost you idiots! Okay sir, Thank you sir!
Thank you very much! Yeah Nox! Dude I saw your video man! It’s hilarious!
Dude, it’s going to put you back on the map! Nakuul’s back! And how! All the best buddy! Bloody idiot! Shit video! KP really likes the video man!
Yes! Hey, D’s calling! Hey baby!
Nox? How do you make “Gajar Ka Halwa”? Gajar Ka Halwa, Why?
Why? Because my mother-in-law told me to make the Gajar Ka Halwa just how I made it in the serial! What the heck, dude? I am an actor! Not a bloody chef!
Dude, I told you, don’t get married! I know! How would I know that she wanted a Sanjeev Kapoor and not a daughter-in-law! Do one thing. Call Sanaya and ask her!
Really? I already called her! Her phone is switched off! She must be on the shoot! Oh shoot! Even Jax isn’t at home! Do one thing, send the driver to Shiv Sagar and tell him to get it, add some sugar and give it to your mother-in-law! Baby! You’re a genius! Thank you!
You welcome baby! Listen, Al is here, you want to talk to him? Al? Where the heck is he? Give him the phone!
Why? What happened? A person should have at least some standard, man!
Now he’s started hitting on my hairdresser! Hairdresser?
Tell that loser to stay off my girl or else I will kill him! Baby! Baby! Baby! I will speak to him! It will be all okay!
Listen your director is calling! Oh yeah! Okay bye!
Order sir! What the hell are you doing? D is pissed!
Dude that chic is hot! She is a hairdresser!
She is one hot hairdresser!
She is a hairdresser! One bloody hot hairdresser man!
Dude I already am in deep mess here, Don’t add to it! Alright…Sorry! Listen…Why are sitting on the pot since such a long time? Try that Babaji’s Churan! Didn’t I tell you? Dude, I had it! I didn’t tell you what happened?
What happened? Autograph please? What’s your name?
Kabir! One for my aunt…
And one for my sister…
Anyone else? Just because you are a celebrity doesn’t mean you won’t fart! Let’s be honest about this! All of us have done it at some point or the other! The only difference is…The common man gets away with a smile! But the celebrity? For him the stakes are much higher! So what should a celebrity do when he gets caught in a situation like this? You ate a lot today, huh?
I didn’t do it! So you mean I did it?
I don’t know! Lets’s do the “Who Farted” game! Shit that’s creepy dude!
Told you man!
Damn! Listen did you speak with RK?
RK is missing since two days! He isn’t answering his phone, He hasn’t posted any updates via FB or Twitter! He has gone completely untraceable, man! What must be that “Jerkovsky” upto? I think he must have gone to write Kranti Sharma’s horror film! Confirmed!
What? Yeah, I am telling you! Scene number fifteen…Lady Vampire’s Honeymoon! Exterior shot… Location… Location… The same! Write in the Airport location! Sir, you want to do even the honeymoon scene at the airport? Who’s going to pay for extra location? Your father? Why don’t you just shut up and write like an educated writer! You are calling me a writer, but making me do the steno’s job! Listen punk, just write what I am asking, okay! Or you won’t even get a steno’s job in this industry! Understood? You stay right there, honey! Do you know the difference between a writer and a prostitute? Once the screwing is over, she gets paid! This man here dipping Tarkovsky’s sacred soul in Kranti Sharma’s gutter… is RK. The third character of our story! F***! You just write, let me do the f***ing! Grandma, The cake is here, Come down fast, everyone is waiting for you!
Coming down in two minutes! I just want to go inside once, dude!
Trust me, you are happier out here! Manav doesn’t drink alcohol!
Do you have any idea how many girls keep a fast for you? I told you, Nox! This is TV… not Film! Dude, I am so frustrated! People in this house don’t talk of anything except food! Just because you made one mistake in a video doesn’t mean that they will put you in a wheelchair for the rest of the season? What the heck should I do?

31 Replies to “I Don’t Watch TV | Episode 1 – Inglorious Constipated Basturds | #LaughterGames”

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